Saturday, February 2, 2013

My own dragon...

Welcome February.
February is usually my dark month; a month that I mourn the loss of the daughter that I only got to hold for two short weeks while I smile and attempt to celebrate her life. Those closest to me know that I put up a good front, but the weeks leading to Hailey's birthday are usually the hardest of the year for me.
As I am spending a lot of time focusing on getting healthy both physically and mentally, I welcome February.

I will reflect and blog my way through my "dark" month, and perhaps I will realize that there is a lot of light to be shared. Hailey's life was about celebration, and in this darkness, I will find the celebration that she gave to us. For this post, I am going to celebrate my husband...

Today started with some self-doubt: this is part of my weight loss journey that I have to face full on. Every time I find success in weight loss, I have a personal dragon I have to face--and its a BIG one.  I was hurt by someone a long time ago, and every time I start to feel confident and start to like the way I am looking; this dragon rears his ugly head. This week I have done well and I look forward to weighing in, but I can feel that dragon burning on the back of my neck.

This dragon, my own self-loathing, pulls at the very core of my own insecurity and usually sends me down a path of self-sabotage. .

Today, in my own "dark" mood, I made a self-deprecating comment that somehow  had Jon agreeing with me, but not intentionally. It was like I purposefully worded my own dislike with my body in a way that trapped him in agreement. Once he realize what he had agreed to, he put a lot of effort in to restating his comment and explaining why he loved me so much. As I reflect on this incident, I realize that I have really married the most perfect man in the world for me. He is truly my best friend and he knows how to bring light to the darkest moments. He has seen me in best, and in my worst, and in all of that--he loves me unconditionally. There are times, when his unwavering faith in me leaves be breathless and I wish I could steal just a portion of that faith in myself. I am proclaiming that this time I will beat this dragon. With Jon by my side, I can conquer anything the world throws at me...and right now, its throwing my own personal dragon.

Please bare with me as I take February one day at a time, and sometimes one moment of a time. After all, Hailey taught us to enjoy every moment.

Working my way to fit~and this month its an emotional fitness that I am working on as well as a physical fitness~

No comments:

Post a Comment