Food is not a cure-all...

One important lesson I have learned, and am still learning in this journey is that there will be hiccups. Just because I have decided I want to be healthy and fit, does not always mean the emotional side of my brain will listen to the logical side of my brain. Sometimes, emotions will run high, and the desire to turn to food for comfort or turn to food to fill a need (other than hunger) will arise. I am currently in the midst of one of those times. It will be short-lived, and I will not falter, because even now as I am writing, I am gaining the confidence that I will not let this hiccup derail my progress.

This is going to sound childish, but I am trying to be non-specific. Essentially someone hurt my feelings within the last couple of days. Instead of confronting the issue immediately, I let it fester then I saw lots of little things that continued to hurt my feelings. Yesterday, at work, I was a little bored. Not because I don't have a ton to do, but because most of the work I need to do is office work. I enjoy working with children and I like a nice mix of office work and working with kids.

Essentially, here is the UGLY equation:

Festering Hurt Feelings + Boredom+ left over party sweets= potential for disaster.

On the way home from work, I convinced myself that I "needed" chocolate. When I got home, I indulged. At this point, I was still within my points-plus, so it was fine. By the end of the night, I had gone in to some of my weekly allowable; I did not binge on sugar (though, I very easily could have). 

What I should have done was go to planet fitness, but I wanted my three workout days to fall Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday since I am having oral surgery on Friday. In retrospect, I still should have just gone and gotten out of the house and away from temptation. I always feel better after workout, and I certainly don't want to waste points after I just worked my tush off!!!  

The point of this post is that this morning, I still had the desire for unhealthy eating. Enjoying some chocolate yesterday did not make my issues go away. My feelings are still hurt, and I am still battling some deep rooted insecurities. This fitness journey is not just about eating healthy and exercising, there is a mental and emotional side to eating as well. Until we confront and address those issues, the temptation to turn to food for comfort will always be there. 

The good news is that I am able to recognize the problem and not allow myself to go crazy. Even yesterday, I tracked every bite. Today, I am just going "cold turkey" and not allowing my-self any additional sugar. I am not "waiting for Monday" to restart. I never really stopped. I hit a bump, I recognize it, and I am readjusting. I am also still fully expecting a loss at my weigh-in because I have been well within my weekly allowable points and I did not even touch my exercise points.

I get daily inspirational quotes in my email and the picture above was yesterday's. It couldn't have come at a more needed time. I have the optimism and I have the hope. I am working on the confidence.

On a totally different note: there are a couple of people that I care deeply about that have taken the last couple of days to really start a new exercise and eating program. I am immensely proud of them and hope to continue to receive updates. Here's a shout out to you (if you read my blog!) Keep it up!! I am proud!!

My own dragon...

Welcome February.
February is usually my dark month; a month that I mourn the loss of the daughter that I only got to hold for two short weeks while I smile and attempt to celebrate her life. Those closest to me know that I put up a good front, but the weeks leading to Hailey's birthday are usually the hardest of the year for me.
As I am spending a lot of time focusing on getting healthy both physically and mentally, I welcome February.

I will reflect and blog my way through my "dark" month, and perhaps I will realize that there is a lot of light to be shared. Hailey's life was about celebration, and in this darkness, I will find the celebration that she gave to us. For this post, I am going to celebrate my husband...

Today started with some self-doubt: this is part of my weight loss journey that I have to face full on. Every time I find success in weight loss, I have a personal dragon I have to face--and its a BIG one.  I was hurt by someone a long time ago, and every time I start to feel confident and start to like the way I am looking; this dragon rears his ugly head. This week I have done well and I look forward to weighing in, but I can feel that dragon burning on the back of my neck.

This dragon, my own self-loathing, pulls at the very core of my own insecurity and usually sends me down a path of self-sabotage. .

Today, in my own "dark" mood, I made a self-deprecating comment that somehow  had Jon agreeing with me, but not intentionally. It was like I purposefully worded my own dislike with my body in a way that trapped him in agreement. Once he realize what he had agreed to, he put a lot of effort in to restating his comment and explaining why he loved me so much. As I reflect on this incident, I realize that I have really married the most perfect man in the world for me. He is truly my best friend and he knows how to bring light to the darkest moments. He has seen me in best, and in my worst, and in all of that--he loves me unconditionally. There are times, when his unwavering faith in me leaves be breathless and I wish I could steal just a portion of that faith in myself. I am proclaiming that this time I will beat this dragon. With Jon by my side, I can conquer anything the world throws at me...and right now, its throwing my own personal dragon.

Please bare with me as I take February one day at a time, and sometimes one moment of a time. After all, Hailey taught us to enjoy every moment.

Working my way to fit~and this month its an emotional fitness that I am working on as well as a physical fitness~
Kati