My own dragon...

Welcome February.
February is usually my dark month; a month that I mourn the loss of the daughter that I only got to hold for two short weeks while I smile and attempt to celebrate her life. Those closest to me know that I put up a good front, but the weeks leading to Hailey's birthday are usually the hardest of the year for me.
As I am spending a lot of time focusing on getting healthy both physically and mentally, I welcome February.

I will reflect and blog my way through my "dark" month, and perhaps I will realize that there is a lot of light to be shared. Hailey's life was about celebration, and in this darkness, I will find the celebration that she gave to us. For this post, I am going to celebrate my husband...

Today started with some self-doubt: this is part of my weight loss journey that I have to face full on. Every time I find success in weight loss, I have a personal dragon I have to face--and its a BIG one.  I was hurt by someone a long time ago, and every time I start to feel confident and start to like the way I am looking; this dragon rears his ugly head. This week I have done well and I look forward to weighing in, but I can feel that dragon burning on the back of my neck.

This dragon, my own self-loathing, pulls at the very core of my own insecurity and usually sends me down a path of self-sabotage. .

Today, in my own "dark" mood, I made a self-deprecating comment that somehow  had Jon agreeing with me, but not intentionally. It was like I purposefully worded my own dislike with my body in a way that trapped him in agreement. Once he realize what he had agreed to, he put a lot of effort in to restating his comment and explaining why he loved me so much. As I reflect on this incident, I realize that I have really married the most perfect man in the world for me. He is truly my best friend and he knows how to bring light to the darkest moments. He has seen me in best, and in my worst, and in all of that--he loves me unconditionally. There are times, when his unwavering faith in me leaves be breathless and I wish I could steal just a portion of that faith in myself. I am proclaiming that this time I will beat this dragon. With Jon by my side, I can conquer anything the world throws at me...and right now, its throwing my own personal dragon.

Please bare with me as I take February one day at a time, and sometimes one moment of a time. After all, Hailey taught us to enjoy every moment.

Working my way to fit~and this month its an emotional fitness that I am working on as well as a physical fitness~
Kati  

Finding Peace in Chaos

Roid Rage in Planet Fitness today really put a damper on my work out. There were two people that were just insanely confrontational and trying to start a fight with intimidation tactics which included blocking some of the machines in the circuit training. The directions are clearly posted and it was a super busy night at PF, so there were several people in the circuit. One of the members made a comment about people not following the directions; unfortunately, that member tapped me on the shoulder and made the comment specifically to me. While I was annoyed by the two not following the workout correctly, I was just minding my own business trying to push myself for my own workout. Well, the confrontational people continued to make comments, blocking the machine to where I couldn't get to my phone and water bottle, and then followed me to the locker room and to the door. If they would have followed me outside, I would have had to say something to the manager. If they are there again, and continuing to get in the way of my workout, I will say something to the manager. I was so frustrated that I was fuming by the time I got home. I explain the situation to Jon, who agrees the people were ridiculous. Really, I just wish the other member would not have made her comment to me because it looked like I was part of the conversation.
Regardless, there is a lesson to learn here:
PF is my place of solace; I feel great when I am there and I feel proud after my workouts. I belong there; I need to be there. No one, including myself, will get in the way of my workout. I let myself get worked up over people who don't know me. People who don't know my journey. My focus is on my journey. I will not be intimidated about going back; perhaps, if confrontational couple is there I can talk to them about the circuit and how it works in a friendly way. The goal is for a healthier life-style for all of us. Maybe they were intimidated by how things work. It doesn't really matter why they acted like they acted. I can not control their actions, I can only control my own. I earned my 16 exercise points for 64 minutes of exercise. I accomplished a longer run, a higher incline, and heavier weights. Breathe in, breathe out, and keep at it. There's much to be grateful for, and there is peace in my heart knowing that my hard work is paying off...

Working my way to fit,
Kati